


Your Fault

by 18Name27



Category: Original Work
Genre: Blood, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22097632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/18Name27/pseuds/18Name27
Summary: i decided to write my dark thoughts to let it go, this is unedited so I'm sorry (i don't even know why i published this aaaaahhhh) i really don't want to reread this





	Your Fault

She grabs the knife that for all these years she used for cooking for the whole family she loved dearly. Her mother, her little sisters, grandmother, and most of the times even aunts and cousins.

The knife she used every time she cooked, the knife she personally tended care to. Tended care to even when her whole family calls her useless, a lazy fuck who don’t do anything in the house.

The insults they carelessly throw around as if they’re talking to a doll and not an emotional teenager that absorbs every little thing said about her, the negatives and positives.

They never cared saying the negative things but always hold up the praises she knows she deserves.

Like the one time she beat her anxiety up just to make her mother proud and went to a writing contest. She was proud of herself whilst she held the bronze medal.

“Third place, it's okay,” she said to herself, “it was my first time”

But her stomach is riddled with butterflies due to nervousness because she knows her family hold education to a high standard. But as she looked at her rejoicing classmates -rejoicing because of her, how amazing is that- she thought that, surely they will be proud of me, surely they will be happy, surely…

“it's okay, next time you will get gold for sure.”

It seems innocent, like faith to her. But it didn’t register in her mind like this, they’re not happy with what I accomplished, or they are proud but will never say it.

Why? Is it pride or something else? Why can’t they ever say positive things? Why can they give out insults but not praises?

Even with this she knows they love her. They must’ve, especially her mother, she always tells her this.

I love you, she whispers every night and morning, or she used to, when she was little, when it was only her, her mother and father, when they were together.

She don’t remember when it stopped. Was is when she went to high school? Was it when her mother went to another country for a job? Where for more than two years there were only a few skype calls that connects them. Was it when her first sister was born? When her mother split up with her father -step-father, she reminds herself, but it don’t really matter because he is her father, he’s the one she grew up with, who loved her like a father does, or does he? Do her father really love her? She was so young, she couldn’t remember, maybe she was wrong about this too-. Or was it when her mother had another baby to another man?

Don’t get her wrong, she loves her sisters, even when they don’t share a single father.

In fact that is what did it, she was so protective of her youngest sister. I mean who wouldn’t, she was just a baby for fuck's sake.

It was not the reason why she stands here now, but it is the last wire that was tripped.

It was not the reason because there was no single reason. It just accumulated over the years.

Every time they call her useless. (they never sees what she does right, they only sees the wrongs)

Every time they don’t listen to her. (because she’s immature and don’t know what she’s talking about)

Every time they told her to shut up because she was so excited about something. (they always tells her to shut up, maybe this is why she can’t speak in front of people now, because she used to be outgoing, but now she have anxiety)

Every time they mocked her and the things she loved. (all of her fandoms that she loves because they make her feel welcome and she feels like she belongs)

Every time she realizes that they are not always right. (no, bitch they didn’t deserved to die just because they are gay. I can’t believe I used to though you guys are perfect. I can’t believe I used to think everything you said are right and just and true and in God’s will)

Every time she says something they don’t approve of. (and she pays for it)

Every time they hurt her physically.

Every time they hurts her mentally.

Every time they hurts her verbally.

Every time.

That is the reasons that accumulated over the years on why she now stands here, with the knife that isn’t hers but she always uses.

And now she is using that knife in a way that she never knew she could actually do.

She drags the knife and stared in wonder as red started to blossom. She stares as she let the blood flow freely.

And a though went through her as she stares at the red liquid, maybe she can write one more time, maybe if she told them why they will care and not just brush her off like when she told them she feels suicidal, they didn’t believe her, and now look where she’s at.

And maybe for the first and last time she won’t be the one who was wrong. (because apparently people who are older than you can never be wrong, especially when a younger one was right)

And using her blood on her wrist she wrote,

This is your fault.

I sigh as I finish the story for I don’t know if I pity her or find her courageous.

Because I can never do what she did, I love my family so much and I know they are not the monsters I made them seem in my story.

I just know that they are not perfect, nobody is.

I am not perfect, hell ,I shouted at a child out of rage.

She did made my baby sister's mouth bleed, but she’s also a child.

But the only thing that I really don’t understand is, why am I not allowed to be angry? You do it all the time, you do even worse, why can’t i?

I’m just sick and tired of you letting that child hurt a baby because 'she's just a child, she don’t know anything' teach her then for fuck's sake.

I know they’re not really evil, they are just doing what they think was right, even though they really are not. I am just too overcome with grief and dark thoughts to see the good things right now.

I don’t know if I pity her or find her courageous because I’m also too scared to do what she did so I decided to just write it.

But maybe a little fear is good.


End file.
